Selfish?

July 7, 2014

SELFISH??

Two hours into our 4.5 hour flight from Charlotte to Portland, OR, I’m looking at my baby girl suckling on my breast thinking we’re crazy - crazy for moving to the Philippines, crazy for dumping our perfectly good life for a new one, crazy for traveling across the country then to California right before the big move, crazy for putting us, and especially Rosemary, through all of this. She’s been so off routine and constantly overstimulated, sleeping like crap and getting so overtired and cracked out.  It becomes a vicious cycle - she doesn’t sleep because we’re with family so it’s not convenient, then becomes crazy fussy girl and takes forever to settle, meanwhile I become frustrated and aggravated trying to balance it all.  

Leaving my family brought up all kinds of emotions, but the biggest one was guilt.  I was feeling guilty for taking their granddaughter/great-granddaughter/niece to the other side of the world.  This was the conversation that I had with Michael shortly after Rosemary fell asleep:

Are we crazy?

Yes

Are we dumb?

No

Are we bad for leaving our families?

No.  The only thing I can think is we may be a little selfish.

This plane trip has been the worst thus far - screaming and flailing about out of sheer exhaustion.  But as frustrated as I get, when she does sleep I gaze at her and see an angel.  It is only then that I feel like an awful person for putting her through this.  Will it be worth it?  Will she continue this pattern until we are settled in the islands?  Will it ultimately make her tougher and more flexible or just make us crazy in the meantime?  I’m now extremely nervous for the 16+ hour plane ride to Manila.  As Michael said, “We just need to get there.”  I still feel like an awful mom.  And now a little selfish, too.